Olympic Coverage You Can Count On
The amount of coverage a sport gets on NBC is directly
proportional to the amount of skin that will be flashed in that sport.
If the synchronized divers dressed up like Thelma and Louise
and pretended they were going off the cliff, I bet they'd get bonus points for
originality.
Congratulations to Herman Cain, who won the gold medal in
electrified fencing.
I once performed on the balance beam. Then the club owner
fired me and that was the end of my brief career as a professional stripper.
If a spectator gets speared by a javelin, they get to keep
it as a souvenir.
Ronald Reagan coached the U.S. hockey team to an upset over
the Soviet Union during the 1980 Olympics. (Source: Conservapedia)
I figured out Bob Costas' beauty formula: one-third Nivea
skin cream, two-thirds embalming fluid.
If I was an Olympic swimmer, I'd secretly install a
propeller in my ass.
The Brits feel a tiny pang of sad when they hear our
national anthem, which is basically a ballad about how we humiliated them in a
game of "Capture the Flag" during the War of 1812.
Shuttlecock! Shuttlecock! Ha Ha Ha! It's a funny word!
I used to go through a gymnastic routine that involved
backflips and sumersaults and maneuvers that required Herculean feats of
flexibility. Then I wised up and bought a backscratcher.
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