Earlier this week, Huckabee ended his Fox News talk show so he could spend time mulling another bid for the Republican nomination. If the contents of Huckabee's latest book - due out January 20th - are any indication, the overarching message of that campaign will be that the government is, um, having its way with the American public in a method that Huckabee, a Christian conservative, finds rather repulsive.
"Bend Over and Take it Like a Prisoner!" is the title of
the 10th chapter of Huckabee's 12th book, God, Guns, Grits, and
Gravy - which, as a whole, is an achievement in the genre of
poorly written pandering.
The chapter, ostensibly about the TSA and IRS, is a soaring
crescendo of latent homosexuality homoeroticism cloaked in almost
libertarian – but not libertine! – conservatism.
It opens with Huckabee's dramatic recollection of going through
security at the airport. "Where else would I be ordered to stand
still, put up my hands, and have my personal belongings taken and
searched without a warrant or probable cause?" He asks.
years of this indignity, much of the flying public thinks little of
it, and they usually don't complain. They just dutifully stand there,
bend over, and take it like a prisoner."
Clickbait title notwithstanding, Bend Over and Take It Like a
Prisoner! is not devoid of substance. Although Huckabee's
condescending tone - like that of an elementary school history
teacher - makes it difficult to take seriously.
He takes aim at the Department of Homeland Security and the USA
Patriot Act: "…did anyone anticipate that not many terrorists
would really get punished as a result of this act, but that American
He then quotes Benjamin Franklin: "Those who would give up
essential Liberty, to purchase a little temporary Safety, deserve
neither Liberty nor Safety."
"What would Ben say today?" Huckabee wonders. "Would
he cheerfully go through a full-body scanner that electronically
strip-searched him and then allow a federal agent to put his
blue-gloved hands inside his pants and over his thighs, crotch, and
upper body for the sake of domestic travel on a privately owned
I'll bet you a Benjamin that he most certainly
would not. (Come to think of it, though, kite flying Ben would
definitely be in awe of this and every other use of…electricity!
Also airplane flight, but I digress.)"
He then provides some insight into his psyche - complete with
Animal House reference.
While excoriating the IRS, Huckabee brings his readers along on a
flashback to his youth.
"They remind me of a sadistic coach at my high school who
used to enjoy 'giving licks' to teen boys for any infraction of his
Just so you know, 'giving licks' was the term used to describe
the coach hitting the butt of a student with a short-handled boat
paddle, riddled with holes to minimize wind resistance and enhance
striking power…The coach had a rule that if you got a 'lick' you
were required to say, 'Thanks, coach, may I have another one?'
most often he would say, 'Sure,' and pop you again. One might get
three or four before the coach finally said, 'No, I think you've had
enough,' and stop his twisted abuse of a helpless adolescent.
Whenever I think of the IRS, I see that coach standing with his
paddle, expecting em to say, 'Thanks, IRS, may I have another one?’"
In closing, Huckabee condemns the current US government for being
a "ham-fisted, hypercontrolling 'Sugar Daddy,’ " that has
conditioned Americans "to just bend over and take it like a
prisoner." But, Huckabee writes, "In Bubba-ville, the days
of bending are just about over. People are ready to start standing up
for freedom and refusing to take it anymore."
Now, the book does include a disclaimer on the back cover.